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spock prime

[Fic] Castaway

Title: Castaway
Author: Ykoriana
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Prime Spock / Kirk (implied)
Rating: PG (angst)
Wordcount: 925
Warning: Spoilers for the movie.
Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to the late, great Gene Roddenberry and Paramount. This work was created by and for fans.
Summary: Spock Prime’s thoughts while marooned on Delta Vega. And then a stranger arrives…

Cross-posted to: newtrekslashkirkspockstartrek2009

A/N 1: This was written in a rush and not beta'ed, English is not my birth language, and I haven't written fan fiction in AGES. And so, naturally, logically, I decided to write the inner thoughts of one of the most fascinating and complex characters ever. Please call Bones and have me committed.

A/N 2: t'hy'la: Vulcan word with multiple layered meanings of friend-lover-lifelong companion, blood brother/sister; soulmate; soul-brother/sister.

This is followed by Anchor and Mirage.

Many years ago, truly in another lifetime, I sought to attain Kolinahr. I understand now how… illogical that would have been. I am both Vulcan and human. To wholly purge myself of emotion would have been a disservice to both sides. Emotion remains in the very essence of me, human and Vulcan. It took me a long time to accept and embrace this. To be grateful for it, even. How different would I have been, had I not the capacity to feel love, friendship and joy? Had I not the capacity to express such feelings to those who touched my life and made it whole?

I would not have been the Spock I am. But this is a bitter realization to achieve indeed. Because as Vulcan implodes in the sky like a night-blooming flower wilting under the morning light, I see that the price of love is pain.

Many years ago, I sought to attain Kolinahr. Had I done so, would I have felt anything at all upon witnessing the destruction of my home?

Ten billion people. The whole of the Vulcan race, or nearly. Are my parents among them? Am I among them? I know the black hole hurled me back in time. I know the Narada arrived much earlier. Nero said he waited 25 years for me. I cannot even begin to calculate the ways in which he might have altered events. His arrival, and mine, and the red matter technology which will only be developed over a century from now – all this has irrevocably changed the course of history. I am in the past, but it is no longer my past.

The knowledge does nothing to assuage the guilt and sorrow that overcome me. It is with great difficulty that I attempt a meditative exercise to still the maelstrom of emotion. I feel as if I were once again at the heart of the black hole that brought me here. But it is my own heart, and my own darkness, for I am lost and adrift and alone.

Foolish old man. Foolish old man.

I breathe deeply. I let still the tides of blood roaring through me. It is illogical to allow self-recrimination to paralyze me.

I breathe. Icy wind bites at my exposed face and my old knees have turned to stone. How long have I knelt here gazing into a now empty sky? I am peripherally aware of rising, retreating to a nearby cave, and resuming the meditation.

Outside the cave, the wind howls and I hear the voices of lost ones. I light a fire and see the twinkle of long lost eyes dance upon the flames.

He was my t'hy'la, and twice I lost him.

I remember clearly the harrowed look on McCoy’s eyes as he told me of the events that took place on the Enterprise-B’s maiden voyage. Such loss and incredulity. A doctor he was, and no stranger to death, but it was as if he’d believed that Jim Kirk was going to live forever. Most illogical, and still I understood, for intimately I’d wanted to believe it also.

Many years later, Picard told me how Jim had really died. Strangely enough, I can hardly recall any details of this conversation. Only the pervading numbness that assailed me as I realized that Jim had been alive all those years, and that we had been apart.

I breathe. This was the path I chose. For there is no joy without sorrow. Had I known, on that day long ago when I abandoned the Kolinahr ritual, that all this pain lay before me, still I would not have changed any of my actions.

I feel them before I hear them. There is a roar, and a rustle, then a humanoid figure scrambles into the cave, chased by a large indigenous carnivore. I rise with reflexes faster than I knew I still had, retrieve a torch, and use fire to frighten and expel the creature just as it is about to consume the humanoid as a meal.

I turn. The fragile inner peace I gained from few hours of meditation falls apart.

Standing before me, bruised, bloodied and breathless as always, is Jim Kirk.

A little younger than when we first met. A little wilder, perhaps? But unmistakably James T. Kirk. His life and youth warm the whole cave as if he were the Earth summer sun.

Our short exchange of words is beyond fascinating. It is perplexing. He did not know I was marooned here. I realize our encounter is entirely a chance one, and calculate the probabilities of such an occurrence at approximately 9,658,345,009 to 1. But such calculations are subject to an error margin much higher than usual. My logical reasoning is naturally impaired by emotion at this moment.

The inherent paradox of this situation does not escape me. But still I introduce myself in the only logical way.

“I have been and always shall be your friend." I watch the play of confusion on his face. "I am Spock.”

“Bullshit”, the young Kirk replies. Yes, he is unmistakably James T. Kirk. I wonder what his reaction would be if I gave in to my sudden desire to hug him.

Serenity arrives unbidden then, and great clarity of mind. Nothing is as it once was. I am both mournful and liberated by this realization. I know that from now on I shall always be alone, a castaway of the seas of time. But I am no longer adrift, for Jim Kirk stands before me once more.


Oh, wow. That is just amazingly sad and beautiful :) Loved it so much!
I'm glad you liked! This one just rushed out in a couple of hours, it was begging to be written. But I was a little fearful of writing Spock Prime. I still can't figure out which of the two Spocks is more complicated. I mean, they both are, but in different ways I guess.
This was lovely! I honestly wouldn't have guessed English wasn't your first language, I didn't notice any wacky syntax. Very nice piece.
Thank you :-) I have really a lot of practice in English because it's part of my job and I read lots of books in English, but I always like to make that clear in case I let slip some idiot mistake.
Whatever country you're from, can we please, please send all our ignorant, grammar!fail, spellcheck-retarded, stilted-sentences-creating fantwits there? Because this was MARVELOUS, and if English isn't your first language... holy crap.
Whatever country you're from, can we please, please send all our ignorant, grammar!fail, spellcheck-retarded, stilted-sentences-creating fantwits there?

Well you're welcome to show up anytime dear! But I guess I'm lucky because in Portugal they don't dub any shows so we all grow up hearing English in movies and TV. Sometimes I even think in English. And reading a lot helps too :-)
This was simply amazing! The best Spock Prime fic I think so far.

But this was really, really good. I think you wrote out his thoughts perfectly. :D

I know the movie is much more focused on the young crew, and on young Kirk and Spock, but everytime I saw Spock Prime watching the destruction of Vulcan helplessly, I kept thinking that must have been the most terrible moment of his life, and what he must have thought and felt all alone in that frozen wasteland. And then KIRK SHOWS UP and in my mind that's the moment Spock comes out of his despair and finds his sense of purpose again. So that's what I tried to convey.

Also, lookey, I made a Spock Prime icon too :-)
Yes! Thank you for writing this. This was the scene that moved me the most in the film, I'm glad someone talented enough to write fic saw something in it too.
Glad you liked, and your icon is the total cute.

I'm thinking of writing a series of vignettes based on / following this. Let's hope the muses stay with me for a while.
That is so beautiful and so touching!
That is so beautiful and so touching!

I can't say it enough, thank you all for liking and taking the time to comment, your encouragement is Plomeek Soup to my frail writing ego :-P

The look on Spock's face when he turns and sees young, vibrant Kirk before him - absolutely PRICELESS. And this story is a lovely complement to that, poignant and perfect. Well done! You needn't worry about taking on Spock Prime (sorry must lol), you're up to the challenge. :-)

You win the pimp hat.
You win the pimp hat.

Pimp hat? Yay! :-P
This is beautiful. I loved reading it very much, thank you.
Oh, fantastic! The world needs more Spock Prime fic, and this definitely sets the bar high. I normally am leery of 1st person POVs, but this was executed beautifully, and it's perfectly in character. Oh, Spock Prime! I almost wish Kirk had stayed with him, although I do love Quinto's Spock to tiny bits. <3
I normally am leery of 1st person POVs, but this was executed beautifully, and it's perfectly in character.

Thank you. Let's hope the muses stay for a while, because I'm now trying to write two more, one for Kirk, one for Spock, and writing Kirk seriously is a lot harder than I thought!
Aw, gorgeous! :) This was lovely - I'd love to see more of it, in fact! ;) Please? This is just begging to be written about!
Wow, this is just beautiful; exactly what I needed after seeing the movie a fourth time tonight (well, last night technically). There are quite a few scenes in the film just screaming for fanfiction; this was definitely one of them, and you wrote it perfectly. Your Spock Prime is spot on, which is already quite impressive. Thanks very much for this; it was a joy to read.

Oh, and: I actually didn't read your author's notes before reading, so I was beyond shocked to find out that English isn't your first language. I still have trouble believing it. : )
I saw the movie four times myself, and yes, that scene, his eyes are so sad and haunted. It was begging to be written. I wrote two other vignettes on Kirk and Spock, but I always keep coming back to this one. I think it's the one that came out best. Thank you for reading and commenting :-)
Ahh! I can't believe I didn't comment on this the first time I read it!

I really, really like this fic. You have an excellent grasp of the complexity of Spock Prime.

You have an excellent grasp of the complexity of Spock Prime.

Strangely enough, of the three I did (meanwhile I also wrote one for Kirk and one for Spock), Spock Prime was the one that came out the easiest. I don't even try to explain it. This one just rushed out, the other two less so. I think the whole weight of a lifetime of love and loss make Spock Prime much more resonating compared to the other characters.
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it and it's interesting that you picked that line. Because it's really the turning moment, when they meet, and the imagery is so evocative and, really, obvious. They're on an ICE PLANET and when they meet both their faces, Spock's in particular, are lit by the warm glow of the torch. I see it as, Spock was old and lost and alone, and in that precise moment Kirk comes back to him, and in a way he comes back to life.

Oh I know, I'm an incurable romantic at times...
This is wonderfully written. Fanfiction rarely rises to this standard. You have expressed a beautiful and entirely believable vignette from a complex and beloved character - and you have done it exceptionally well.

Congratulations and thank you.
I like it.